The Blog of Life
“THIS IS THE PART OF MY LIFE CALLED DENIAL”
After the age of 18 we are dependent. We know where we’re going and what we want. There is no doubt in our mind about what life will bring. Well at least that’s what we were taught life would be like after independence. In reality most days I wake up wondering who I am and what am I working towards? I ask is this all that life has to offer me. Will I die alone and unfavorable? The trials and tribulations that life brings are very…very unexpected. But really, what was I expecting?
At the age of 18 I was concerned with love and what I thought love could do for me. I never thought about what love actually would bring me. For instance, heartache, headaches, and hangovers. I was consumed with other peoples opinions of me. I worried about material things that I felt could never be replaced in the eyes of others. I was your typical young adult. Well typical meaning of this age and time. Deeper into what I mean I was your typical immature young adult. Raised by a middle class family with rooted morals in the 21st century. Young dumb and full of cum as some like to refer. I challenged my family’s ideas and laughed in the face of danger. I was invincible in those days. So that’s what I told myself. Bumper on my front and back and I’d live as 18 forever and if I just so happened to die…id still be young. I was afraid of “REAL” commitment unless it was being committed to a person. As far as going to school daily and showing up to work with at least 8 hours of sober sleep…those commitments we’re not ones I was ready to assume and complete. I was a party girl and I loved every bit of it. Drinking like I was searching for a message in a bottle. Like the rim of that vodka bottle was my best friend. In the back of my head my real best friends we’re my enemies and I thought I was keeping these friends at bay close enough so that if I was attacked I could get e’m where it hurts. But the cold truth never lies in the moment but in the morning when you wake up and discover the night was young and the next day is old news. The kind of old news you’ve been reading since you we’re eighteen and when will old news be old enough to set aside. My soul was fiending for a change but my body was not hungry enough to go get a fix. My life had become a stereotype. I was what everyone knew me as and I was fine with my label. Even though at the end of the day I’d curl up into a ball and cry and ask god how do I change? But really I wasn’t looking for a change in life just a change in luck. I was on my way to a dead end with a cliff hanger on the edge. I remember screaming out loud one day “WHERE ARE THE INSTRUCTIONS FOR LIFE”? I just wanted to be guided again. But I didn’t want the to do list. I didn’t want to be told what to do. I just wanted to be assured of what to do. I wanted someone to tell me the life I was living was okay and all I had to do was tweak a few things here and there and I’d be fine. But the crucial moment came when I realized that I had to do a whole 360. The changes that I had to do we’re not in my own agenda and I was not interested in the course I was about to take up.
“THIS IS THE PART OF MY LIFE CALLED STUDENT”
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